I forgot
In my grief and utter selfishness, I forgot to talk to #1. To really talk to her. To treat her like I wanted to be treated.
#1 knew about the “belly baby.” She totally got it and was so very excited about being a big sister again.
After everything happened, and the day after the surgery, we sat her down and explained that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore and that Jesus decided the baby should be in Heaven and not here with us.
She got it. She could see through our sadness and grief. She was sad. She wanted to hug us. She cried with us.
She wanted to know why, too. Baby, so do I. And, it’s a question we’ll never get an answer to.
And then? I didn’t talk to her again.
What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I think to talk to her again? She was grieving the loss of her little brother or sister. She was sad, too.
It didn’t dawn on me until last week when I was talking to my friend that I hadn’t talked to #1 about it again.
That night, I went home to Mr. Serious and I told him I forgot to talk to her. I was kicking myself. She is so intuitive. She sees us cry. She’s been extra emotional lately wanting extra hugs, kisses and cuddles. Again, why didn’t I think about it?
Mr. Serious was protecting me. Turns out, the night before, she was wanting extra “talk” time at bedtime. Even though we didn’t use the words, she flat out asked him “Daddy, why did the baby have to die?” I didn’t find out until I mentioned it the next day.
So, that night, I talked to her. I asked her if she was sad about anything and wanted to talk to mommy. Bam. There it was again. First thing she mentioned without hesitation. It’s been on her brain and bothering her, and I haven’t talked to her about it since that day three weeks ago.
I’m kicking myself for being so selfish in my grief that I didn’t think to ask my own daughter about it. About how she was feeling.
But, I’m not going to forget again. I’m going to remember to talk to her, too.
And while the idea of getting a plant for the baby doesn’t really appeal to me, maybe that’s something that will work for her? Something to recognize her loss. Because it didn’t really hit me, that she’s lost something, too. She had dreams and plans for her little sibling, too. And we need to honor them.
Aw… don’t be too hard on yourself. No one knows what to do or say or think in these times. It’s ok! How precious of you to talk with her now. I know a plant wouldn’t work for me because I have a green thumb… What about a Christmas ornament for the tree each year? Something she could help you pick out and hang up? Just some thoughts…
oops that should say I DON’T have a green thumb! lol plants don’t last in our house
I figured that is what you meant. I can’t do plants either, which is why a plant wouldn’t work for me.
The girls were really all about the tree this year, so a Christmas ornament is a really good idea…and something every year! Thanks for the idea.
Oh gosh Krystyn, what a hard time for parenting. All of you are grieving in different ways and it’s hard to make sure everyone is dealt with. Just listen to her and ask if she would like a plant or maybe to write a book with pictures – you can help her and buy a bound blank book at Michaels. I don’t know. Such a hard time to parent. Saying some extra prayers for you and sending extras hugs to all of you right now.
Much love to you all.
P- What a good idea, too. This is one of the things I love about blogging. I would never think to do anything like that, and I’m certain it’s something she would love to do.
Thank you for the prayers and extra hugs, too. They are very much needed and appreciated.
Please, don’t beat yourself up over this. Isabelle sounds vocal, that she will let you know what she would like to memorialize the baby; you bring suggestions, she’ll pick it out.
I’m thinking of you and your family often.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! We are all from being perfect,but you’re doing the best you can. She’s such a sweetheart!
It’s hard enough to be a parent, but to be a parent through such a difficult time can only be even harder. Don’t beat yourself up over this. The fact that she asked the question means she knows she can talk to you and your husband. Maybe she’s been trying to put it out of her mind, or maybe she’s just trying to find her own way to grieve. You are a GREAT MOM and don’t ever let anything make you question that.
I really like your ornament idea, I think it’s very sweet and I think your girls would like it. Don’t beat yourself up too much, I think you are doing the best you can and that the fact that you’re noticing this now and trying to do better is a really good thing. ::hugs::
After my miscarriage, I asked for windchimes for my birthday which was soon after. I didn’t tell anyone why I wanted windchimes. I wanted to sit in my living room and hear them outside the door and hear my angel baby in the wind. I also gave windchimes to two people who really supported me through it. I didn’t tell them why I gave them to them, I just did, to connect us all. Wind chimes might be a great idea instead of a plant. Just yesterday I was in the basement and the wind chimes were going. Connor was mesmerized watching them through the window. It made me happy to see a child enjoying something that represents so much- which in turn made me find comfort and grace in what had happened. Just wanted to share that and hope that you find something too that will bring peace and comfort to your family. Have a great week!
Lindsey-
What a great idea. And, I really appreciate you sharing it here with me, as it is a very special thing for you. (And, my brown thumb will have no impact on a wind chime). I bet the girls would love it, too. Thanks.
Oh honey….don’t beat yourself up. You’re human, and going through a horrible, horrible experience. Iz will heal. I think the ornament idea or maybe some sort of willow tree figurine you can have in your house would be great. Praying for you, for your sweet family. For strength, peace, and healing.
xoxo
The Willow Trees…I hadn’t thought of those, either.
Thank you again for your prayers. We really do appreciate them and need them.
Kid’s grieve differently than us. I have learned this in having to deal with the loss of my MIL. Even though, I don’t really want to talk about it, they do. They want to remember her and love. It hurts but that is what we do.
Oh hon, please don’t kick yourself. You were and still are going through a lot. I do like your point about how she had plans too and the fact that you recognize that is wonderful. I know it’s hard but your grieving as a family and that is part of the healing process. Hugs my friend.
You are a wonderful mom for even sharing with her so openly. Don’t worry about forgetting for that brief time, you were there for her at bedtime and that is what matters.
I read some of the other comments and really like the Christmas ornament idea. Also, pray with Iz. Teach her it is ok to be honest with God and say, “Jesus, I don’t know why baby had to go to Heaven and it made me sad. But thank you that baby is happy with you. Please cuddle baby extra.”
I admire you for walking through this with her! This is going to make her stronger and strengthen the bond between you and her.
Annie, you are so right. I’m so grateful to have people that share their ideas with me. This is something so easy and yet so profound that she can do every night…and do be honest, I think I’ll say it right along with her.
i won’t tell you not to beat yourself up – bc i know you will no matter what. but you know you can’t right? and the wind chime idea someone left? i think that is perfectly brilliant….
Don’t beat yourself up about it. You just didn’t realize that it was hard for her, too. I don’t think I would have realized, either. Still thinking about you and sending prayers.
Oh the lump in my throat.
You are such a good mama. So many mamas wouldn’t think about that at all. Ever. And you are so wise. Your girls are so lucky to have you.
I only wish I would have thought of it sooner.
Izzy is so sweet, sensitive and with a big heart. Be proud that you raised her that way, first of all! And it’s also great that she felt she could talk to you, that she could come out and ask directly what she wanted to know, so she feels secure around you and her father. It’s more than forgiveable that you forgot to talk to her. You are human suffering from a huge loss. Huge hugs to you Krystyn and your whole family.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a tough time. However, it is a horrible feeling to think you’ve let your child down. Everyone does things they wish they hadn’t. The important thing is that you’ve rectified it and done something about it. You’re a wonderful mommy to both your girls and a wonderful quality about kids is to love us know matter what!
Don’t beat yourself up too much…you are human. Kids bounce back much quicker than we do. Thinking about you & praying for yall still! {{Hugs}}
Krystyn, this just breaks my heart. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t think Isabelle would, so you shouldn’t either.
Like others have said children greive differently. We sat downand talked with our children when it first happened but then we tried to make life normal again. Of course that didn’t work adn they would have episodes where they would coem to us because they were sad or didn’t understand. Being there for her is the best thing you can do. My oldest daughter who was 12 at the time always is the strong one and never gets upset. Well about a month after we lost the baby she came to me and was crying and said,” Mom I would have had another brother.” I just held her and let her cry. I tell you this because I believe they need time to process this nad they will come to you when they are hurting or confused.
Remeber you are dealing with greif also and just keep being there for her she will remember that over everything else.