I wasn’t going to write about it this year. Our loss. Three years later. It’s not that we didn’t remember. Or that we don’t. It was just I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t know what to say.
The sad reality is, I’m a member of a club in which nobody should or ever wants to be included.
This weekend, I was reminded why I must write about it. And keep talking about it. One year later. Two years later. And now three years later.
Miscarriage. Infant loss.
I sat in church alone as I heard the pastor say that we should keep a family in our prayers at the loss of their baby.
Immediately, I knew who it was. Immediately, tears. For them. And cussing to myself (yes, in church because no words are good enough).
I wanted to take it all away. Their hurt. Their pain. Their confusion. Their questions.
But the truth is, nothing can do any of that. Nothing can come anywhere close to it.
The whole service I cried for them. I cried for us.
I went to the pastor after the service just praying it wasn’t them. (Not that I want it to be anybody). But it was. It is. I truly had no idea what to do or what to say. It was like I had forgotten what I wanted and what I needed. And, I even wrote a post about it (I had forgotten until just today): What to say and do when somebody experiences this loss. (Dinner is a winner. Wine was included. Communicated and arranged with the husband or relative. Just a drop and run.)
It’s so hush-hush. They didn’t want to tell anybody. We didn’t want to tell anybody! Why? Why are we so uncomfortable telling people about it? Why do we hide? Why do we not acknowledge a miscarriage in the same way we would if somebody lost their one day old? Or their one week old? Or their three month old? Or their mother? Or their grandmother? Why is there shame associated with it? Why do we feel like it’s our fault?
Why? Why? Why?
I don’t know the answers. I only know that nobody truly understands this until/if they go through it. They survive it. Eventually, somehow, they/you get to a day where it’s a little easier. And then a week where it’s a little easier. Then sometimes, a day sneaks up on them/you and it’s just a crappy day.
Maybe that day is the same week you are remembering your loss when that friend asks you how to tell their child. Or when you are trying to figure out what to do or what to say to them. And remembering that nothing you can say or do will really make it any different, but just knowing that people are there for you helps.
Maybe that day turns into a week when you/I find out yet another friend is suffering a loss of her unborn baby. It just brings it all back. Back to that very same day you/I found out that y/our baby had grown wings.
So, this week, this month, I remember for you. I remember for them. I remember for us. Because right now, they are living their own personal hell and it’s spinning and sucky and just plain hurts.
Krystyn has been blogging since 2005. She is a sarcasm-loving, straight-shooting, jeans and t-shirts wearing, wife and mom of four girls (ages 14, 12, 8 and 6). She blogs about life as a mom and wife and includes funny stories, family travel, fitness, recipes, STEM and more. She currently resides in the Atlanta, Georgia suburbs.
MommaE says
What a sad beautifully written post. As I nurse Logan I am reminded how much of a gift she truly is and how blessed and lucky we are to have her with us every day. My heart goes out to you and your neighbor and the other special person grieving their loss.
Mr. Serious says
Whew… That was an emotional read. I’m so sorry you were in church alone for that. What a powerful message. Praying for the family. God please bring healing.
grandma pat says
This is a beautiful post. Every parent who has gone thru what you and Mr. Serious have needs to read this. You are correct, no one knows what to say to the grieving parents. Maybe this post will help others in the same situation in the future. Prayers for healing all around.
Step dad says
Very well spoken my dear daughter. I thank you for being strong enough to share your experiences and thoughts with others so they too can be helped and receive strength and comfort from this.
Well spoken.
I love you and thanks for the love you have for others.
Joe
Kat says
I am so sorry for your friend, and for you too. Time is supposed to make it easier to deal with, but really I think you just learn to live with that aching pain. And I don’t know why miscarriages are treated differently than other losses. But I agree with you, they are. When my friend told me she had a miscarriage the first thing out of my mouth was how sorry I was for her. She said that I was the first person to say that to her and I was shocked. Apparently most people just like to say how common it is and how soon you can try again and so on and so forth. Even her mother! It just really shocked me.
Thank you for writing this. It must be good for you to get it all out and I know it is good for others to hear it as well.
Heather @OurKidsMom says
Very well said. It always seems to be a tabu subject… even my family doesn’t talk to me about our 2nd trimester loss… it’s like it didn’t happen. Fortunately we were blessed with Emma right after so it was easy to refocus, but yes… it needs to be brought up. It happens, when it does we need the support of others that have experienced it. Thank you for posting.
Jennifer Wagner says
I can’t even begin to understand since I’ve never been through it. I saw that when I lost my mother and realized that I had no clue what it was like to lose a parent, especially a mom, until I went through it. All I can say is that I am so so sorry for your loss, but I know that nothing anybody says can really take the pain away.
Mama to 5 BLessings says
I am sorry for your loss, I lost a baby between my 2 older boys – I was 11 weeks pregnant. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to endure.
Emily says
You’re so right – it doesn’t make any sense that as a society we feel guilty or feel shame if we experience a miscarriage. It doesn’t make any sense, its not fair to the families and ultimately it can do so much harm to those affected if they don’t feel that they can reach out for support. Hopefully the more that we DO talk about it, the quicker the stigma will go away. Its definitely time that society made it acceptable.
Jess says
I’m sorry 🙁 I have had more losses than I can count on one hand, so I know first hand how terrible it is.
Raijean says
Oh wow! Sorry to hear but such a great post. I’m sure it was very therapeutic.
Jen E @ mommablogsalot says
I can’t think of anything useful or comforting to say, just wanted to pop over and send a ::hug::
Katherine G says
I think you are so strong for sharing your story. No one will ever understand how you feel unless they experience it. I never experienced it but I get an idea about how you feel when I read it. I thank you for sharing your story.
amanda says
thinking of your friend…and of you! and of everyone who has experienced this kind of loss.
it’s just heartbreaking.
Rebecca Kelsey Sampson says
It’s so heartbreaking to even think that this happens, let alone think about it happening to someone I know.
noelle d says
this breaks my heart….
Maureen says
I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a child. I will keep your family in my prayers!
Maureen
maureen.tenney@gmail.com
Rachel says
I was talking about this just a few weeks ago with a few friends. It is sad how you never realize how many have had miscarriages until you have one yourself. We were all remarking how it is one of those things we don’t talk about.
If I had all my babies here with me I would have a 14 year old, a 9 year old and a 1 year old in addition to my 7 and 2 year old.