In my grief and utter selfishness, I forgot to talk to #1. To really talk to her. To treat her like I wanted to be treated.
#1 knew about the “belly baby.” She totally got it and was so very excited about being a big sister again.
After everything happened, and the day after the surgery, we sat her down and explained that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore and that Jesus decided the baby should be in Heaven and not here with us.
She got it. She could see through our sadness and grief. She was sad. She wanted to hug us. She cried with us.
She wanted to know why, too. Baby, so do I. And, it’s a question we’ll never get an answer to.
And then? I didn’t talk to her again.
What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I think to talk to her again? She was grieving the loss of her little brother or sister. She was sad, too.
It didn’t dawn on me until last week when I was talking to my friend that I hadn’t talked to #1 about it again.
That night, I went home to Mr. Serious and I told him I forgot to talk to her. I was kicking myself. She is so intuitive. She sees us cry. She’s been extra emotional lately wanting extra hugs, kisses and cuddles. Again, why didn’t I think about it?
Mr. Serious was protecting me. Turns out, the night before, she was wanting extra “talk” time at bedtime. Even though we didn’t use the words, she flat out asked him “Daddy, why did the baby have to die?” I didn’t find out until I mentioned it the next day.
So, that night, I talked to her. I asked her if she was sad about anything and wanted to talk to mommy. Bam. There it was again. First thing she mentioned without hesitation. It’s been on her brain and bothering her, and I haven’t talked to her about it since that day three weeks ago.
I’m kicking myself for being so selfish in my grief that I didn’t think to ask my own daughter about it. About how she was feeling.
But, I’m not going to forget again. I’m going to remember to talk to her, too.
And while the idea of getting a plant for the baby doesn’t really appeal to me, maybe that’s something that will work for her? Something to recognize her loss. Because it didn’t really hit me, that she’s lost something, too. She had dreams and plans for her little sibling, too. And we need to honor them.