Today is the day we were supposed to see Baby Serious #3. The day we were supposed to find out if we were having a boy or girl.
Today, instead, I’m going out with a friend for lunch and a manicure and pedicure…and yes, I will have a drink. Because I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to do today.
If you would have told me you had a miscarriage just two and a half weeks ago, I don’t know that I would have had the right response. I might not have said the right thing.
Now? I think I have a much better idea. I know that people don’t say anything with the intention of being hurtful (much like when they tell you they are pregnant), but they really do hurt. And sometimes, you just have no idea what to say (or do).
I know that everybody is not the same. This is what has been good/bad for me.
What to say (or do):
- Give the mom and dad a hug (seriously, goes a long way), or even a gentle knowing touch.
- Tell the mom and dad you are thinking of them/praying for them.
- Say “I’m very sorry for your loss.” The acknowledgment really does make a difference.
- Say “I don’t know what to say.” It’s honest. It’s true. And, if it hasn’t happened to you, you have no idea. And, if it has happened to you, you still don’t know what to say.
- Say something. Anything that acknowledges the loss and the grief.
What NOT to say (or do):
- When you see them, please don’t ignore them/ pretend they don’t exist/ nothing happened. This really, really hurts. And, it’s happened too many times to count (for me).
- Please don’t ask “Are you okay?” or “How are you doing?” It’s pretty much impossible to answer that question. And, really, you probably don’t want the honest response.
- Ask “what can I do to help?” For me, my brain wasn’t functioning (and still isn’t functioning) at 100%. I have no idea what I need. Just offer something. It’s not like we need anything, but life still has to move on, and we might not be ready. Just tell what you are going to do, and do it. (Bring an easy dinner, offer to come and hang out, bring by a bottle of wine, etc.)
- Say “you can have another child/baby.” Probably true? But, this totally doesn’t acknowledge the loss that just happened.
- Say “you are so lucky to have your other children.” This is painful and doesn’t take away from the joy of the other children.
- Say “It’s natures way” or “God’s way.” This really doesn’t help. It may be true, but it was still a baby that was expected and planned for.
These are just some things that I’ve wanted to put out there. If you have something you want/think should be added, please do mention it.
Really, the biggest thing for me is some sort of acknowledgement; like a hug, a text, a phone call, an “I’m sorry.”